by Blaine Steven “Steve” Hudson, Jr
As I lie in bed tonight, I hear that mournful sound.
The voice comes across so loudly, it rattles through the house.
The peace of night is broken and no one reaches out,
To stop my trembling body or hears my speechless shout.
The demons have come calling, from all those nights before.
The ones we couldn’t save, have drug me to the floor.
My friends that know me well can often see the change,
They cannot understand the deepness of the pain.
The siren sounds, the gunshot blasts, the smells that wake me up,
Are all a part of who I am, I have to let them out.
We men of God can be broken by the things we come across.
We have to lay our burdens by that dark and rugged cross.
The fixes are not simple, we all feel so alone.
We are a part of a brotherhood, that shall be welcomed at the throne.
Our God is understanding of our shortcomings and pitfalls.
Our families, they struggle, because they just can’t see it all.
Mister, please forgive me for not making it in time,
If we’d gotten the call a little sooner, we might have saved them all.
Now that the call is over, we’re left with all the mess,
The memories that break the peaceful nights and shatter quietness.
We are only left alone, with the demons and our fears.
There is a reason why, it comes with many years.
We are not weak, we will not fall.
We have to come to grips with the fact that all we’ve done is scattered in the mix.
As we meet our brethren and see we’re not alone,
A slow and steady calmness is sure to find our home.
Until the day it does, we wrestle in the dark,
With those visions of failures and times we missed our mark.
So, dear wife, please forgive me, this is the reason why,
That our lives have become entangled with the horrors from those nights.
We try to overcome them, and sometimes we do,
But our thoughtless acts aren’t thoughtless, they’re just a little skewed.
Yes, you know we love you, we try so hard to show,
Our calloused souls are weary, and our broken psyches show.
Please, my dear sweet lover, hold hard and fast and true.
To the bonds that we have spoken and the virtues that we know.
My love for you grows stronger, each and every day,
The struggles that I face make it hard to show today.
Please hold me close and love me, even when I scream and shout,
My soul is badly injured, of this there is no doubt.
Your love and understanding has helped me make it through
The nights of hell on earth, that my soul has harkened to.
Please bear with me until that day or night, that may not come soon,
When peace surrounds us both and quiet nights resume.
For my wife, I love you,
And hope this helps you see,
The things that are buried deep,
And how you are saving me.
About the Author: Steve Hudson has been married to his beautiful wife, Tracie, for 18 years. They have two daughters, Abbie (12) and Carlie (10), and a boxer named Ginger. Steve has been in the fire service as a paid and volunteer member for 24 years and is currently a volunteer firefighter at Hickory Tavern Fire Department in Hickory Tavern, SC. He is an IFSAC (International Fire Service Accreditation Congress) Firefighter 2 and a IFSAC instructor, a National Registry Paramedic in Anderson County, SC, an EMS instructor, and a former Law Enforcement officer for almost ten years.